I’m naturally a good guy, part-time asshole, full-time smart ass. It’s one of my most endearing qualities. But what if I was a full-time asshole, just for a day, or maybe a week. I would love to be a villain, not just any villain, a SUPER villain. Even as a kid, I would at times side with he villains. I’d be a cool looking and sounding villain, no weird tights or underwear on the outside. No stupid masks, or hats. Well, possible a monocle, you know, just to keep it classy.

Villainy has all the fun, they don’t have to live by any rules. No social constraints, or worries about how people will judge your actions. Your only concern is being a bad ass. I wouldn’t have to worry about holding doors for people, or tipping after a meal, or being nice to the elderly or to kids for that matter. Lets just get this out-of-the-way right now, kids are assholes. Greedy, selfish, little assholes, and I’d let them know that. A hero can’t do that can they? NO!

You think a Super Villain even bothers paying taxes, fuck no! Why? because they do whatever they want! You think I would ever bother waiting in endless lines at the DMV to register my car, that wouldn’t even be street legal to begin with.

The coolest part about villainy is the weaponry. Lasers coming out of dolphin’s eye balls, jet packs, and genetically engineered henchmen, all for my protection against the hero. I’d also have an army of mildly intelligent monkeys armed with banana guns. Why mildly intelligent? I need them to run amuck without being so smart that they bite the hand that feeds them.

I’d avoid the one pitfall that seems to get every villain. Talking too damn much. Why on earth are you telling the hero your plans and strategy, giving him time to escape from your trap. There’s no sneaking away right in the middle of me laughing hysterically. Oh no good Sir. Oh and there’s no way my diabolically laid plans will fall victim to some pot head kids and a talking dog, who drive around hot boxed mystery van.

Really does sound fun, maybe in another life time.