I sometimes ponder life’s possibilities, like, what if I found myself locked up. Why I would get locked up, I haven’t the slightest clue. I did recently rent a U-Haul van to move a couch, and returned it without replacing the gas I used. The man said to return it on full, that’s exactly what I did. Not my fault the needle didn’t move far enough away from the F for him to notice.

I was thinking, what would my moves be if I ever went to jail? I don’t hang around in the hood, so I don’t have any street connections anymore. I’m 32 and have no experience in jail. I’m only 5’4″, so I know someone on the inside would want to make me their bitch. I’ve seen enough Locked Up to know what’s up, motherfucker. Yea, I’m a Jiu Jitsu practitioner, but what good will that do me in a gang rape? One on One I can break some bones and choke some people out with their own shirt, but if there’s a gang of angry cocks coming at me I’m fucked.

Now, the only viable option I see for me, is to shit myself. Sounds funny, but seriously, I’d shit myself. I’d shit myself, and rub that shit all over my wanted body as if it was a bar of soap, then refuse to bathe. Yes, I know just because I’m small and in jail, doesn’t mean someone want’s to take me, but in my eyes, being covered in my own shit, is far better than the possibility of a dick in my ass.

The End.