When I enter a public restroom, there are several unwritten rules that we all have to follow. No one ever sat me down and taught me any of this shit, it’s just somehow explained the minute you enter a bathroom. Maybe it’s passed down genetically, or just through observations made as a young child.

As you approach, your penis should not already be flopping out and on display before you get to the urinal. There’s no fuckin reason this should ever happen, I don’t care if you’re bladder is about to burst, you keep that shit bundled up and out of eye site shithead.

By no means, should you be stall to stall with me, when there are other stalls open. There needs to be at least one stall between us if at all possible. The guy that passes up on the buffer stall and stand next to you is practically invading the borders of your sovereign nation.

If you and I don’t know each other, don’t speak to me. I am not here to make small talk with you Sir, just need to pee, and get the fuck out of here, not get your opinion on the latest happenings. Also, when standing at the urinal, we are not playing HORSE. There’s no need to stand back three feet, and try to impress us with your powerful stream or the size of your penis. Get your ass up to the urinal, and hug that shit like someone is going to steal your penis. While you’re there, adhere to the imaginary line which is far more serious than the demilitarized zone in Korea, unless you’re looking at your own junk, keep your eye above it!

Lastly, wash your fuckin hands. You’d be surprised by how many people I see pass on the water and soap. I don’t know if you are allergic to proper hygiene, or maybe you think washing your hands in a urinal does a good enough job. I’m not really sure, but what I do know is that you are a bathroom deviant. You probably get off on the idea of shaking another person’s hands, knowing they were recently all over your balls. Hate is a really strong word, but I think I hate you.