What in the fuck is this contraption?! Umm.. I’m pretty sure You’re not supposed to use shit like this on kids. This looks like it’s from the Adrian Peterson line of parenting, just one step ahead of getting the switch. Just give it a cute name and charge $35 and your parenting is made easy.

I would hate to read the instructions for this bad boy. I imagine advanced techniques call for some water boarding if you’re daring enough.